Yesterday I was having computer issues that demanded I contact my "computer man." He's someone who has been in my life for about 10 years, second longest only to my father (family in general), and followed by the "hubby." Having had that thought, I soon realized that each of them had committed countless acts of offense toward me. The most insulting--breaking my heart.
Now, do not take this as me coming down on all males, by no means is that my intent in this post. What is motivating this is the fact I need to recognize and acknowledge that I have been broken and hurt, that I am becoming bitter and angry, and that I must give it to God to receive proper healing and to be restored. I can't keep harboring these emotions toward men because the three, that's it, three, that I allowed myself to be vulnerable with, hurt me. And here's the real kicker: of those three, two were brought into my life, by me, in my rebellious phase. We touched on that subject in a previous post but simply put because rebellion is merely for a season (or lifetime for some), its consequences are longer lasting. So, do I have a right to be hurt by the ones I opened the door to? Shouldn't I forgive them; better yet, shouldn't I forgive myself?
Irony in this situation is that the other two have the same character flaws of my father that hurt me so badly. The largest of the flaws being abandoning me. The short of the long is my "computer man" and "hubby" have been forgiven by me, not so much for them but for me. This brings me to my father.
I watch how God is slowly restoring my relationship with my father and for that I am grateful. What I am also watching (and learning) is that the progress of this restoration is only as fast as I grow and allow God to change me inside. For instance, everyday God shows me another area in which I need to release my father and forgive him, an area in which he cannot fulfill (this is something he will be accountable for before God) and I need to allow God to step in and father me. God is the Father to the fatherless and the Great Physician. Both of which I need for spiritual healing. This was the revelation God gave to me yesterday.
The growth of that revelation spread into the life of Brooklyn. How can I show her how much God loves her if I don't know for certainty in areas of my life? How can I show her who her father is, if I don't know who mine is? And say I do know it, if I'm not living it, what difference does it make? All I know for sure is that I cannot be everything to her; I have to allow God to step in and do His thing, me be on board, and allow Brooklyn to know/feel/live His love in a way my words cannot express.
I need to be complete in the Lord if that is my desire for my daughter.
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